Lucrezia and Cesare have always been close and I think will always be close and no matter how much the family fractures, it’s like- I feel like those two will always respect each other and want the best for each other. They’ve kind of got an uncrackable bond.
LOL WHAT WOULD YOU TITLE THOSE BOOKS, LUCREZIA? WHAT?
“Accidents Happen: Or, How I Seduced a Groom and Got Him to Break My Husband’s Leg”, by Lucrezia Borgia.
“Abelard and Heloise: Or, Stalking’s Okay When it’s Between You and Your Proxy!Sister”, by Cesare Borgia with annotations by Lucrezia Borgia Because He’s a Codependent Loser
# AND THEN THEY BECAME RUNAWAY BESTSELLERS BECAUSE RODRIGO MADE IT LAW TO BUY THE BOOK # EVEN IF YOU CAN ONLY AFFORD TO EAT DIRT # YOU STILL HAVE TO BUY THESE BOOKS # OR ELSE YOU’LL GO TO HELL # RODRIGO OUT
Which means that I get to rewatch the entire season, aw yeah.
But like
In episode 6
When Lucrezia returns and calls Cesare’s name
And he turns to the guy he was talking to and is like, “Excuse me, Cardinal.”
The Cardinal just goes
“Oh, yes.”
Oh, yes. Cardinal Borgia is going to completely disregard the valuable spiritual lesson again in favor of cuddle time with his sister.
Oh, yes. Cardinal Borgia is going to go tell Lucrezia about that one time he slept with a nun.
Oh, yes. Cardinal Borgia is leaving me to go star in a Harlequin romance novel with his sister.
Oh, yes. Cardinal Borgia is going to embarrass us. Again.
OH, YES. CARDINAL BORGIA IS LEAVING ME TO GO STAR IN A HARLEQUIN ROMANCE NOVEL WITH HIS SISTER.
Cesare is laughing at Juan’s play. But it looks so strained. And he’s sitting next to Joffre, who’s throwing walnuts and shit, and he just has this look on his face like
What has my life become.
It’s all downhill from here.
Where is my sister!proxy?
Oh hai Lucrezia’s passed out MY EXIT IS MADE.
Do not try to take this moment from me Sforza. THIS IS MY MOMENT, MAN. I AM IN A RAAAAGE.
Ohmigosh drunk!dad, stop. Just stop. Excuse me, I need to get to Lucrezia.
She looks like a fairy princess on a bed of roses O Ye Sister Beloved, let us meet again and run towards each other in slo-mo oh wait I think that’s a thing that actually happens.
#the life and times of cesare fml borgia #cesare borgia #his life sux
She’s been through such a lot that I think she’s prepared to stand up for herself this time and not just for the family(x)
Cesare: Juan, we have to talk to you.
Juan: Is wine a carb?
Rodrigo: Yes.
Cesare: Juan, you lost Rome again. It’s Monday.
Juan: So…?
Lucrezia: So that’s against the rules, and we can’t let you live anymore.
Juan: Whatever, those rules aren’t real.
Lucrezia: THEY WERE REAL THAT DAY I BROUGHT THE FRENCH KING TO THE VATICAN.
Juan: Because that French King was disgusting!
Cesare: YOU CAN’T LIVE ANYMORE.
Juan: … Micheletto tried to stab me the other day.
…
Juan: Fine, you can walk home, bitches.
# CESARE’S SECRETLY DOING JUAN’S JOB # LUCREZIA IS NOT SO SECRETLY DOING HER DAD’S JOB # AND JUAN IS GETTING WASTED # I LOVE THESE KIDS
(via lucrezias-sparklyhairnet)
(via lucrezias-sparklyhairnet)
Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind;
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.
Here’s what happens chronologically
- Rodrigo wants Rome to be all shiny and new and shit. He keeps on talking about Juan and Cesare achieving YOUR BIRTHRIGHT together as family, said exactly like that because it’s Jeremy Irons and WHOOOA there’s a double finger-point from him.
- Cesare is clearly mapping out the best halls by which to drag Juan’s body.
- LOL CHEZ YOUR HAIR LOOKS WORSE WITH THE CARDINAL HAT.
- But more seriously, he’s clearly taken on a more important role as cardinal, because everyone else looks concerned and he’s just mildly annoyed.
- LUCREZIA IS CLAPPING HER HANDS AND SITTING IN HER DAD’S THRONE AND BEING LIKE BOW DOWN BITCHES.
- And if Cesare doesn’t somehow get involved with this whole Lucrezia ruling the Vatican, I will cut a bitch, historical timelines be damned.
- Rodrigo is lighting a wooden bull on fire, I kid you not.
- Actually, scratch that. I suspect they edited it to make it look that way, but since the bull is the Borgias’ mascot, the peasants were probably burning it to riot or something.
- Oh, peasants.
- All of the Borgia men are getting some this season. Cesare and Rodrigo more than Juan, by the looks of it.
- Della Rovere is still trying to kill Rodrigo. Oh, Della Rovere.
- Lol he’s pretending to be all handle with a knife. It looks like he’s sharpening a stick.
- “WE MUST REMOVE HIM FROM THE WOOOOORLD”
- That guy we saw floating in a well?
- Michelotto’s fault.
- The French King is on the move. Cesare is concerned. Rodrigo is not.
- I get the strong sense that he’s like, “CESARE. You can be of use to us!”
- And Cesare will be like
- OMG I FINALLY GET TO MURDER PEOPLE OH JOY
- And then Rodrigo will be like
- Lol no go bang Caterina or something.
- Juan’s pretending that he knows how to use a knife.
- THREESOMES FOR EVERYONE, BUT ESPECIALLY RODRIGO.
- Cesare and Lucrezia are clearly pretending that her child is theirs and that they can just stand in the curtains and block out reality.
- Cesare really does look veeeery suspicious when he’s asking about the baby. As in, not pleased with baby!Borgia. Like, probably pleased with the Lucrezia half of him, but not pleased with the Paolo half.
Dammit Lucrezia you promised that I could father the firstborn UGH LIFE IS SO UNFAIR.- Lol Paolo you’re on a donkey, my sympathy is null and void.
- Vanozza and Lucrezia and Cesare judging by that tendril of hair in the corner of my screen are all oohing and awwing over the baby, and Vanozza ruins it by reminding Lucrezia that if you’re banging anyone outside of the family, there’s bound to be trouble.
- Sissster-sluuuut.
- Why so awesome, David Oakes?
- LUCREZIA IS NOT PLEASED SHE IS GONNA SIC CHEZ ON YOU BOI.
- It’s like what little intelligence he had was seeped up and turned into man-bangs.
- Lucrezia and Paolo suck at being subtle, so Paolo gets all roughed up in public. By Juan. Damn.
- Rodrigo’s like, CESARE WHY DOES OUR FAMILY SUCK SO BAD?
- And Cesare has this look on his face like
- I DON’T KNOW DAD
- MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE
- YOU PROMOTED JUAN OVER ME
- YOU MADE ME A PRIEST
- DUDE I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO JESUS WAS OKAY
- AND THEN YOU DUMPED OUR MOM
- ALSO YOU ENCOURAGED UNHEALTHY SIBLING BONDS
- I FORGOT WHAT PERSONAL SPACE WAS A LONG TIME AGO MAN
- YOU AREN’T SUPPOSED TO TOUCH YOUR SISTER’S MOUTH ALL THE TIME
- I DON’T KNOW YOU WEREN’T THERE FOR ME SHUT UP
- Sorry, overboard. Just. His expression.
- Francois Arnaud is like a master of suppressed exasperation, okay.
- Cesare and Juan are fighting, everyone finds this hilarious, Cesare specifically threatens fratricide and would totally do it if not for Micheletto ruining it.
- The French king promises to kill Rome, or something.
- Cesare and Rodrigo kind of laugh and move on and Cesare is deeefinitely his dad’s right hand man this season, from the looks of it. Any condescension Rodrigo had in the last season is gone; he seems to be realizing that he’s a hell of a lot more valuable than Juan.
- Cesare is looking ticked that somebody refuses to come to Rome. Caterina, by the looks of it.
- And then Sforza is all, “My cousin refuses to debase herself”
- Which is funny
- Because I’m pretty sure Cesare Borgia is banging her like everywhere a minute later
- On the bed
- On the floor
- Probably in the fireplace
- And she’s all OH YOU GONNA STAB ME WITH IT?
- And he’s literally like SO SRSLY GURL THREAT OR PROMISE?
- There’s a lot of miscellaneous battle shit going on. NOBODY CURRS.
- Basically, everyone gets laid, Cesare and Lucrezia are still living in this parallel world where everything is Candy and Popcorn and Incest Babies, and Juan and Paolo are dead men walking, courtesy of
